Monday, 30 March 2020

44 things I've learnt in however many years

Wisdom from me, to you.
  1. Don’t be a dick to children.
    Despite the fact most of them are annoying brats.
  2. Conventional wisdom will get you far, unconventional wisdom might get you further:
  3. Judge a book by its cover.
    Make assumptions, trust your judgement, learn some ‘tells’, save time in long run.
  4. It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.Doesn’t mean you should though.
  5. Opinions are like arseholes; everyone’s got one. And if you say you don’t have one, you’re full of shit!Ba Dum Tss!
  6. Vans are easier than cars to drive.
  7. Nobody can write. Anyone who thinks they can write is lying. I can’t write. That shouldn’t stop you from trying though.
    Apart from Matthew Parris. He CAN write.
  8. Don’t listen to your father for Mother’s Day ideas. It will only end in tears.
    Mothers don’t want cards with the word cunt in them.
  9. F-R-I-E-N-D-S isn’t perfect… but it’s still the best sitcom ever made.Cheers! is a close second.
  10. Move seats at large dinner tables.
    Don’t miss the opportunity to interact with people just because you’re down the other end of the table. Always swap seats with someone in another crowd.
  11. There will always be someone younger.
    @JoshuaGarfield 😉
  12. People who self-identify as ‘so weird’ are the worst.
  13. Listening to Disney soundtracks doesn’t make you interesting or your music taste ‘so different’ or ‘varied’
    It’s music produced for a mass audience. Of course you listen to it.
  14. Phil Collins must die.
    A white T-shirt and faded jeans. Just, just an ordinary guy. But prisoner to his tax returns…
  15. Eat natural foods, bathe twice daily, fill your muscles up with gravy.
  16. Use women’s shaving foam. Doesn’t make you less of a man to have softer, nicer smelling skin.
  17. Keep a diary.
    Failing that, update your memoirs every other year with the important stuff.
  18. Keep a list of mildly nice things people say about you.“Annoyingly witty” ~ Poppy.
    “Not a munter” ~ Robyn.
    “Better than work” ~ Katherine.
    “I speak English, but your accent is too earthy” ~ French ComLex employee.
  19. It does no harm to have heroes and inspirations.
    I have five. Three are called Paul.
  20. Yorkshire brews the best beer.
  21. Yorkshire (via India) makes the best tea.
  22. You need eight hours sleep. Science said so.
  23. The more talent the person has, the nicer the person is.
  24. You shouldn’t get hung up on the lies people tell themselves to get through the day.Deep, huh?
  25. Dress like Adam Sandler.
    That man never looks uncomfortable.
  26. Paul Merton is a style icon.
  27. Some friends are just for periods of your life. And that’s ok.
  28. It’s not the friends you make at university who are your friends for life, it’s the friends you still make the effort with throughout university who are.
  29. Don’t go to university because a) you want to deepen your knowledge on a subject b) because you enjoy a field of study or c) everyone else is.
  30. It’s worrying how many people don’t know how to make forms and surveys.
    I’m looking at you, every single student who has asked me to fill in their dissertation survey — and GSK.
  31. Don’t be fooled into ever taking English.
  32. Only read Macbeth at 23 to truly respect the book.
  33. I’m apparently hard to read.
  34. Ghost writing personal statements is an art.
  35. If you want something done, give it to a busy person.
    But don’t take the p.
  36. The Rover Mate is the most important position in any Scout group.
  37. Holly Barrigan owes me a Wispa Gold.
  38. LA is a smelly, dirty place where you will waste most of your visit there sat in traffic.
  39. New Year’s Eve is overrated.
    I’ve spent years celebrating it in pubs, at parties, in back alleyways, at a puppy farm and working a 16-hour shift. Never found any of them particularly fun.
  40. If you’re not happy with where you are; get the hell out of there.
    Wisdom stolen from an Ilkley friend which is actually rather good.
  41. When you have a cold as a kid; everyone’s top priority is making sure you are fine. When you’re an adult, the priority is ensuring you don’t spread it.
    You’re not a hero for still heading into work.
  42. Brass handles have antibacterial qualities.
    Pah! Yeah right!
  43. If new people you meet assume you are 43, you should start to moisturise.
  44. Above all, be interesting.
    Live a great story.